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14 January 2010

Be Glad I'm Not Posting the Smell

About a month ago, my friend Julie posted this on facebook about her son Davis who is Olivia's age:

It's like hog tying a baby calf to get my son's diaper changed lately... any suggestions

To which I cheekily responded with, Olivia is doing the same thing. She just wants to flip over and crawl right off the table. I just talk to her rationally and explain that I need to change her diaper and she totally listens. Davis doesn't? And then I seriously told her that we sing a little song while I change her diaper (John Mayer's version of Tom Petty's "Free Fallin", if you must know) and she is usually content for a few seconds while I quickly change her diaper.

Well, folks, that was a month ago. Right now, it would take John Mayer, Tom Petty, and the New York City Philharmonic to distract her long enough for me to just get the diaper on. It may take an IMAX viewing of Avatar to get the onesie snapped and her pants on.

Obviously, I'm going somewhere with this, right? Yeah. This afternoon, Olivia's bottom starts stinking and so I throw her up on the changing table and pull her pants off. I give her her toy of choice - a bottle of her vitamins - and get to work as quickly as possible. I had no sooner gotten the stinky diaper off of her bottom until she twisted her abs and legs that I was holding with my left hand and flipped over. Poop started falling off of her butt, her left foot and right shin went directly into the poopy diaper and poop started raining from the sky. No Joke. It was all I could do to pull the onesie off of her and stand her up. I proceeded to rationally and calmly tell her that Olivia Cole Michelson, This is not Okay! To which she promptly replied with a piddle on the changer. And then she did a little jig. NO JOKE.

At that point, I pretty much knew the only way the poop was coming off was by force of major water power and so I rushed us into our bathroom. I sat her poop-covered self onto our floor and stripped my clothes off as quickly as I could. (I know that visual is ten times worse than the one where poop rained from the sky, so my apologies.) Seriously, as soon as my clothes were off all I could see was a trail of poop on the tile where she had been crawling and Olivia saw gold in that minefield. She went for the biggest pile she could find and swiped her hand in it. A half second longer and it would have been in her mouth, but my calm rational call scream of her name distracted her enough for me to pick her up and get her in the shower.

The poop washed away and it was my turn to get clean. I couldn't just stick her cold, wet body out on the wasteland, so I had to shower and cleanse myself while holding her. Not the easiest thing to do when she is wet and slippery and using my nipple like it's a dial on her toy radio. But, we made it.

And, I've even got some pictures to prove it.

YUCK!  And, that something came out of where the sun DON'T shine!

And, you're welcome. Because I considered leaving the diaper open.

But, how can I be mad at this beautiful little creature?!


Marissa said...

Ick! Sounds like quite the adventure. Seems like things like that never happened to me when Scott was home or the one on changing duty. It was always me. I'll be SOOOOO glad when everyone in our house is potty trained. :)

Mom Cooper said...

Well I must say that sounds like quite the adventure. What a little "Stinker" she is!!!!

Mindi Hoellein said...

This was a great post! I needed that laugh...and it gives me something to look forward

Lauren said...

"Not the easiest thing to do when she is wet and slippery and using my nipple like it's a dial on her toy radio."

Since when did Dooce take over the Amanda Diaries? I almost just had my own potty-induced incident reading this.

Jillian said...

I told you to use THE FOOT! Forget the music...the FOOT WORKS. It's funny that you had a similar experience as me on the same day. Ari got into and SAMPLED her own incredibly poopy diaper while I was talking to the maintenance men.