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12 January 2012

Mother's Guilt

To say that I carry around a lot of guilt each day is an understatement.  I swear a day doesn't go by that I don't compare Olivia's infancy to Sydney.  Statements like, Gosh, with Olivia, I did tummy time ALL the time and with Sydney, I'm lucky to squeeze it in a few times a week go through my head on a DAILY basis.  I haven't written ONE thing down in Sydney's baby book.  Not one.  Not even her name.  Hey, at least she has one already, right?  Her stocking was mostly filled with Olivia's old baby toys {not that she cared} and 98% of her clothes are hand-me-downs {still with lots of life left in them}.  She never had a baby shower.  She spends a lot of time in her swing.  I'm not even thinking about doing solid foods with her yet.  Guilt, guilt and more guilt.

On the flip side, I am positive that I tell Olivia, Hang on baby, I need to feed/change/take care of Sydney first at least a dozen times a day.  I read somewhere that if both kids are in need you should attend to the toddler first because the baby won't necessarily realizing that you are "choosing" the other one and I try to keep that in mind.  But, no joke, at least three times a day they are BOTH crying.  And I can only get to one of them at a time.  And, I, often times, feel exasperated.  Guilt, guilt and more guilt.

It is tough being a mom and it's even tougher being a mom of two.  {Moms with more than two?  LordHaveMercy, I don't know how you do it.}  And, I feel guilty a lot and not good enough.  I feel like I fail on a daily basis.  And, sometimes I feel like I fail more than I succeed.  I try to remind myself that what each of them lacks in one area, they make up for it in another.  Olivia slept in our room until she was a month old.  Sydney is still in there at 4+ months.  Sydney gets all of Olivia's old toys, plus brand new ones.  And, Olivia?  Well, she gets a beautiful baby sister to push and boss around!

One thing that weighs heavily on me is pictures!  We had professional maternity pictures and newborn pictures done with Olivia.  I hated having my picture taken when I was pregnant with Sydney. The newborn pictures of her were taken by me {and beautifully edited by my sweet SIL, Marissa}.  I took a kazillion pictures of Olivia every day when she was a baby and with Sydney?  Well, we do Sydneygrams with pictures off of my iPhone, right?  Ugh, not quite the same.

So, yesterday afternoon, when Olivia was napping and Sydney was wide awake, it was the perfect time to snap some quality pictures of my sweetheart.  She was a happy little camper and as you can see from these pictures, her whole face lights up when she smiles.  Oh yeah, and she's found her toes!  Mercy sakes, I sure do love this baby girl.

My latest obsession is onesies + babylegs.

Say WHAATTT?  These babylegs were Olivia's?


I am sure the battles of who has more of this or that will go on for years to come, but I hope both my girls know that there is no end to the amount of love I have for both of them.  Guilty as charged.

Happy Thursday from the Valley of the Sun


Irma said...

Guilt has no place in a person who is a great mother...which is what you are. There is no such thing as a perfect mother or a perfect child. Go with your heart and all will be fine. The person who knows what is best for your children is you...not books. You do more creative and loving things for the girls than most others do for their children. Just one look at the beautiful photos of Sydney in this post and it is easy to see that you are doing a great job! (PS, please send me the whole series of these wonderful photos of Sydney...made my morning just looking at them!)

Mom Cooper said...

Oh Irma, I couldn't have said it better. Amanda is such a good mother and as hard as parenthood is, it is oh so rewarding.

Let love, patience, and lots of prayers be your guide to help you and David enjoy these precious girls. One of these days the girls will come to you and David and thank you for being such good role models for them.

One day at a time..........